Trump's Laws of Politics
(A Riff on Newton's Laws of Physics, with apologies to Sir Isaac)
By Akhilleus
Physics, schmisics.
So. Rick Perry, eh? Energy Secretary. Does that mean he'll be taking dictation and getting coffee for the big oil and gas execs?
After all, he comes from a state where oil is king and he benefited enormously from oil industry contributions to his various political campaigns, including the one where he obsequiously meant to let all his oil pals know that he was going to kill the pesky Department of Energy, but, oops, he, um, er, he forgot what it was called. He's also, oddly enough, director of the board of the two major companies involved in the Dakota access pipeline project, a scheme in which, funnily enough, Donald Trump has invested a lot of money. But, hey, no conflict of interest there, right?
The previous two Energy secretaries were not making coffee for oil execs. They were, in fact, working physicists, both highly respected. One, Steven Chu, had a Nobel Prize in physics. Is Perry up to those guys, intellectually? Well, let's put it this way. Steve Chu figured out things that stumped BP's experts during the horrendous Deepwater Horizon oil spill (if you haven't read the piece Gloria linked yesterday, take a few minutes to do so. The name of the piece is "How Science Stopped BP's Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill"--the science didn't come from the oil industry, by the way, it came from Obama's energy secretary, Steven Chu). Rick Perry, in contrast, couldn't even remember the name of the department he will soon be running.
Hey, Ricky. I take my coffee black, please, no sugar.
But, buried in that Scientific American article is a sentence that could explain why Trump is replacing world class physicists with a guy who would have trouble getting through "Physics for Dummies": "There is something of the owl in [Steven] Chu's heart-shaped face—giving the impression of proverbial wisdom but also of a veiled raptor, ready to strike the intellectually unprepared. He may look oddly casual...but he attacks with questions...the bespectacled Energy secretary posed a danger to the oil company scientists and executives, especially as he quickly acquired knowledge about the problem posed by [the ruptured oil well]. The only question was: Whose scientific expertise would prevail?"
And there it is, right there. Chu "...posed a danger to the oil company scientists and executives..." Trump wants to make sure that the only science that prevails is the made-to-order oil industry science. The only danger Perry might pose is substituting sugar for Sweet'N Low.
And anyway, physics, schmisics. Trumpy didn't need to understand physics to become a legend in his own mind, right? Just a lot of crazy numbers and weird symbols. Who needs it?
And so, genius that he is, he has replaced Newton's Laws with Trump's Laws. And what do those laws say? Funny you should ask:
Newton's first law: objects will remain at rest or in motion, and continue moving in a straight line, unless acted upon by an external force.
Trump's first law: Idiots will remain idiots no matter how many external facts confront their dimwitted world view (very important for getting a dangerous baboon elected president!)
Newton's second law: a force acting on a mass creates acceleration and can be determined by the expression F=ma, or force equals mass x acceleration.
Trump's second law: money acting on the ethically challenged creates an acceleration in corruption. (A most desired effect in the Trump universe.) This can be expressed as F=ma or fraud equals money x assholes.
Newton's third law: for every force, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Trump's third law: for every fact there is a ridiculously unequal and opposite reaction by wingnuts to what they see as an attack on their fact-free world view.
In light of the new rules of physics, I'd say Perry is the ideal choice. He won't vex oil companies with troublesome questions about Sciiiiiieeennnccccce, or maaaaath or lame stuff like that. Any time someone tries to do that fact thingy, he'll scream and yell and throw things, and when big oil and gas guys come around, he'll make them coffee and make sure they get whatever they want.
Intellectually unprepared? Eh, so what? Perry is the perfect Trumpian solution to a department that really should prob'ly just be mothballed completely. Because science, ya know? Who needs it?
The Standard Republican Way, as horrible as it is, is starting to look positively halcyon.
Reader Comments (1)
Well done, Akhilleus.
Already, one application hit me as I read this NYTimes header a moment ago.
"Trump Test Core G.O.P Doctrine: Russia is the Enemy"
Not for long, if I read the Second Law aright. God's Own Party is massively ethically challenged and Putin and Exxon have oodles of money. They'll cloak it, hide it, take baby steps maybe, but the Repugnants will cave, all the while feigning rectitude that (See First Law) some of dullest may still believe is warming their corrupted hearts.